The Five People You Meet in Hell - Part II

A Dueling Pens Posting by Thelma and Louise

Benchwarmer #2: The Poacher

This is the cheating, lying bum who ignores all the "Posted" signs on your barbed wire fence and hunts on your land. The poacher is a lazy thief. This guy is personable, easy to get along with, charming. He can take the room. He's a little cocky, but not too obnoxious or no one would trust him at all. (Keep your eyes peeled for this one - he's hard to spot.) And his ethics are abominable. He's happy to take anything you have. Your friends. Your staff. Your credibility. Your money. Whatever he can lift off you that will make his life easier. I actually had someone try to poach my business phone number one time. I've always thought there's a special place in hell for such people. And now I know what bench he'll be sitting on and who he'll be sharing his days with.

The important thing to know about the Poacher is that he is reptilian. He has no conscience. For him it's "just business." The part of his brain which controls conscience and ethics never developed at all. He's running on basic brain stem activity, like a 14 year old on drugs. (Here's your 14 year old. Here's your 14-year old on drugs. You've been there. You've heard the popping grease and smelled the frying egg. Eew.) The Poacher really should have been a character on the Godfather. Like that scene at the very end where Tessio asks Tom Hagen for a break, "for old time's sake." Tom (Robert Duvall) takes a step backward and holds up his hands like Pontius Pilate. "Sorry," he says. "It's not personal. It's just business."

The Poacher should hang with the Corleones. Or the Sopranos. They are his tribe. He'd cut your throat in a minute if he thought it would do him a bit of good.

Coming Soon: Part III: The User

The Five People You Meet in Hell - Part I

A Dueling Pens Posting by Thelma and Louise


I don't know how much money that dude who wrote "The Five People you Meet in Heaven" made for that book, but I can say without hesitation that I resent every dime of it. Does he think there will only be five people? He's number six? Is this the theory? And why isn't Elvis one of them? (Obviously, I have not read the book. Please don't email me about how this book has changed your life).

BUT, I'm sitting in the lobby of this snazzy hotel in Jackson Hole, Wyoming a few months ago and they have this roaring fire in the lobby. Actually two roaring fires, on opposite sides of the room, but that's not the point. The point is that there are these young, strapping men whose job it is to keep these fires burning (reason enough to check out this hotel...). The strapping young man in charge of the fire where I'm sitting notices the flames are waning, so he makes the trek outside to get more wood while I order another toddy for the body. It's cold. I'm tired. Fire good. Strapping young man good. Toddy for the body good.

So he comes back in and throws this thing on the fire:

My writer's imagination begins to run wild. It looks just like a bench at a bus stop in hell! (Perhaps one too many toddies....) I start to think about the five people you meet in hell. Now THIS is a useful concept. First, if you end up blowing your turn with the buzzer and your spin of the eternal destiny wheel lands on "bankrupt" and you find yourself in need of an extinguisher and a supply of bottled water (you're already in hell, so what do you care if people know you ruin the environment by drinking bottled water?), you'll be prepared. You'll know what to expect. You can have your questions, confrontations and, in appropriate cases, heavy blunt objects at the ready. And secondly - and this is waaaaaaay more important - perhaps you can avoid these people in real life so you don't have to share a bench with them ever. Anywhere. And they can go straight to hell without you. So to speak.

Benchwarmer #1: The Underminer (you know who you are)

Now, I have never personally seen a reality show. I stopped watching televison years ago (don't ask). But key to undersanding the Underminer is to understand that, for her, life is one long episode of Survivor. The tricky part is that no one else knows they're on the show! This is the genius of the underminer. With this exclusive vantage point, imagine the chaos, the destruction, the utter wasteland of devastation the Underminer can leave in her wake! Imagine how easy it is to run a bowling ball right through a group of co-workers, friends, or an entire family. This person is the Casius who whispers in your ear about an employee (see also: Gossip, below). It will sound something like this: "I hate to mention this, but I saw Sara rifling your desk the other day. I know you trust her and everything, and she really does seem so genuine. I'd hate to think that she'd do anything like that. But I thought you should know."

Your response, of course, is gratitude. Toward the Underminer. This is because her identity has not yet been revealed. You trust her. In fact, you value her loyalty. You decide to keep an eye on Sara.

Over the course of the next months, however, the Underminer will slowly erode your confidence in Sara. Until eventually, all you see when you look at Sara is an unlikeable, dishonest loser. So eventually you fire her. Boom. Sara's off the island.

The art here is in the backstory. See, the Underminer has been doing the same thing to YOU the entire time! Whispering into Sara's ear about you and about how you're starting to turn against her and that you're really capricious and moody and not to be trusted. Ever.

And then... guess what? You show up at a party a month later and who are BFF's? Yep, the Underminer and Sara. If you are naaive (as I once was, and as I'm still prone to be) your loyalty to people can blind you to this scam. Before you know it, they're all gone. Except you. Standing on your desert island wishing you had Wilson to talk to - that volleyball that Tom Hanks talks to in the movie. Everyone else is on the new island, which is populated entirely by people loyal to the Underminer and suspicious of you. She is now the star of the show.

Coming Soon: Part 2: The Poacher